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So, my 80-something grandmother is a genius I tells ya.  She’s always said “the days are long, but the years are short.”  She’s right.  I heard another one yesterday I found appropriate.  “Life’s like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end the faster it seems to disappear.”  

I’ve got mommy guilt. Yes I do! I’ve got mommy guilt! How bout you?!?

I am leaving my children alone and defenseless for two days. What?!? Don’t call CPS just yet. They’ll be with my sweet husband who is a fantastic father! So why the mommy guilt?!?

It’s ingrained in us I tells ya! We have to be ALL things to our children. Cook, chauffeur, maid, spiritual advisor, nurse, psychiatrist, laundress. Who tells us we have to be all things? We do! Well, it’s time to trust that the man of the house can care for his boys. It may not be the way I’d do it, but I can guarantee you it will be fun. It will be memorable. And we will all be better for it. Who cares if they have hot dogs for breakfast, toaster waffles for dinner and don’t get a bath? That’s what daddy time is about.

Me? I’m going to see my Teda. And to visit my Stocky for the first time since his move to the rest home. (Doesn’t that sound more pleasant than nursing home?). I need to go. I need to visit the only place I’ve ever known my grandparents one time without my kids. It’s not that they wouldn’t or couldn’t be good. It’s that I need this visit to wrap my brain around this new abnormal normal. Then, next trip ill have the tools I need to address any questions the boys will have…there will be plenty I assure you.

So have a great weekend and pray that my house doesn’t smell too funky when I return.

Xoxoxo
K

Whoop. I’ve got a more appropriate place to blog about myself and my perfectly imperfect attempt at parenting!

I woke this morning to find a text from my step mom. It said, “I wanted to let you know Stocky was thinking of you tonight. He was eating some sherbet and he said ‘ ‘I bet Kristi Bell could help me eat this!’ “. This made my day.

Stocky always called me Bell or Kristi Bell. I for a long time, thought Bell was my middle name. When I called, it was always , “hello Bell!” Over the past few years, Stocky has only called me Bell a handful of times. Two of those times were when we visited at the end of February and when we called to wish him a happy 89th. (!) birthday. Now, we can add last night.

Stocky has dementia. We all know the struggles that are associated with that, so I won’t bore you with details. So, this text made me feel so loved, so happy.

Teda and Stocky (dad, Kathy and auntie Mary Jo too) are on a new adventure. Stocky is at his new home now. Hopefully, the release from the everyday strain will free Teda from a lot of the strain and allow them to enjoy one another more.

How many people are blessed enough to have their grandparents (who happen to be the BEST grandparents EVER) with them for so long? How many children are lucky enough to get to know their great grandparents? We are lucky. We are blessed.

Xoxoxo
K

you know that feeling of when you want to be somewhere, but you know you need to be somewhere else? but then, you don’t really give where you need to be your full attention?  that’s where i am.

i have this urge, this need, this pull to be with my grandparents RIGHT NOW! it’s not that i feel like i need to help.  they have everything under control.  it’s that i need to see my family, but i am needed here at home, but can’t really give that my all.  so, ultimately, i end up feeling like a failure.  i end up not being a patient mama.  my thoughts are elsewhere. my thoughts are if not now, when?

if not now, when?  isn’t that ultimately it with everything?  if i don’t do this now, when? when will i make time? when will i feel like it’s okay to do ______________? 

yesterday, i convinced myself i felt better about not going to see my family.  today, not so much. so, i suppose i need to redirect my energy into being the patient mama.