Did you know

That Pilates may kill you? Remember how I blogged about new year cliches? Well, in an effort to “become a healthier me” (read that in a sarcastic tone while rolling your eyes) I took a Pilates class on Tuesday with a friend of mine. Said friend is tiny. Like twelve year old tiny. She exercises her butt off, literally. She invited. I accepted.

About four years ago, I did Pilates at home every other day. I loved it. I was still fat (a girl’s gotta have queso) but I was firm and fit. So, I decided to give it the old New Years shot. We met at our local hospitals wellness center; it’s an affordable no long term contract option. When I arrived, I found old people everywhere. When I say old, I mean old. Really old. Like are you sure it’s safe for you to be on that eliptical I’m worried about your heart and your hip old. Turns out these old folks are badasses. They were wearing “street clothes” and not even sweating. I pay my fee, join my friend, lay out my yoga mat thinking, “this won’t be so bad.”

Wrong. So, so wrong.

I start strong. I’m cheering myself on thinking man, you’re not doing too bad. During one of the roll ups, I glanced in the giant mirror. The dreaded mirror they always have in one of those places. I was beet red, and drenched in sweat. That was mistake one. Mistake two was looking to my left. There was a seventy five year old woman in her street clothes doing these roll ups, not grunting, not sweating and doing it as if there was some invisible string just pulling her up.

Somewhere in there I saw some stars and may have lost consciousness. This is the first way Pilates is hazardous to
your health. You have to do these things AND breathe AT THE SAME TIME. What?!? I kept forgetting to breathe. But I finished and I didn’t die. Yay me. The second way it’s seriously hazardous to your health is that when you’re finished you’re all wobbly. It was sooo hard to drive home. It’s like when you’ve been jumping on a trampoline and you get back on solid ground. But I did it! I made it home. I felt proud and empowered. Today, I woke up sore-ish but nothing spectacular. As the day wore on the girdle God gave me (I’m sorry I have no idea what that group of muscles is called) those muscles that go around your stomach and back began to tighten. I decided to take a hot bath and soak for a bit. This is the final way Pilates is exceptionally dangerous to your health. I dipped my head under the water in an effort to stretch my back, the hot water creeping up slowly. I decided it was time to sit up. Y’all, for a few moments I thought I might drown. I thought, “THIS is how my husband will find me, and I will be remembered as the woman who Pilates killed.” But it didn’t y’all! I managed to sit up. Soak a bit longer. Mull around the idea of returning or not.

I’m 85% sure I’m going to give Pilates another chance to kill me tomorrow.



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