I haven’t been blogging much lately; perhaps life has been too easy (OMIGAWD did I just think that and put it down in black and white? Knock on wood, quick.) or maybe life’s been too crazy. I’ve started and stopped a blog about my dog no fewer than six times now. One of them was about Big and how he’s coping by asking “Where’s Emma?” every time he walks past one of her spots. Another was all about her origin story. And another all about my routines being off because almost every one of them has something to do with her. But, I stopped them all for one reason or another; they weren’t coming off as authentic. Or they were sappy and I had to stop because I was bawling while typing with two thumbs.
You know what is authentic? My crazy day and thought processes. Basically, I should be a life coach.I’ll break it down for you.
4:30 am Wake up and think about juicing that spinach that’s quickly wilting. Reach for coffee canister instead. Select strong. Drink 3/4 pot before making and packing lunches. Start stinky dishwasher. Wait. Double check that you put in dish soap.
4:55 am Check in with favorite Facebook group. Laugh so hard you wake Juanita the turtle.
6:30 am Go in to wake your children by singing and turning on lights.
6:31 am Lovingly pour cold cereal into bowls and get morning meds ready.
6:40 am Go back in to the smelly den of the man cave in training and nudge oldest child and gently saying, “c’mon, big boy. Rise and shine.”
6:45 am Once again enter the death trap that is the kids room, elevating voice just below that which can be heard by the neighbors, issuing threats you will neither remember nor carry through.
6:55 am Give obligatory five minute warning that it’s almost time to go and please put on socks and shoes.
6:56 am Make to-go coffee cup and prepare husbands lunchbox.
7:01 am Again raise voice to decible just below illegal levels and say, “Put. On. Your. Socks. And. Shoes.”
7:02 am Head out the door.
7:02:30 am say for the second time in as many days, “For the love of god boys, how many times do I have to tell you not to wait to pee on the tree when we’re already running late?!?”
7:05 am Turn on egnition to car, make sure everyone is buckled in, select tunes, and put car in drive.
7:30 am Drop off Big. Every day I say, “Backpack, Seatbelt, Mama kisses.” Every day he says, “That’s the wrong order mama.” Then with a wave rather than a kiss, I tell him to have a good day and that I love him.
7:40 am Repeat above step for the WeeOne except receive kisses.
7:45 am -2:30 pm (Monday and Wednesday) Drive to preschool. Teach nine four and five year olds all the things. Not only am I a life coach, I’m Mary Poppins.
7:45 am (Every other day of my life) Go to the store. Because I’ve forgotten toilet paper or paper plates -again-. Spend upwards of $120. Leave.
9:30 am Arrive home. Carry in all packages in one load pack mule style. Realize you’ve forgotten toilet paper and paper plates –again-.
10:00 am Start first load of laundry. Unload dishwasher and load last nights supper dishes. Quit judging me. After supper, I like to sit on the couch with my boys and receive all the cuddles.
10:45 am Sit down on the couch for “just a minute.” Check Facebook. Become silmultaneously horrified and in awe of Hoda and Kathie Lee. How do they get away with drinking so early. My God that is a big glass of wine.
11:00 am Decide to write meaningful, heartfelt blog. Swear off blogging forever this time.
11:05 am Remember the laundry. Good job, you! That’s a load that won’t have to be re-run. Add water conservationist to the list of things I am.
11:15 am Realize you’re hungry. Also realize the sink is clean and that you don’t want to dirty dishes. Settle on a bowl of frosted flakes. Okay, two. That’s less calories than a cheese burger. Now you’re a nutritionist too!
11:30-1:00 What happened here?!? No one knows. Some soap operas, vacuuming, mopping, toilet scrubbing. Now, I’m a biohazard technician too.
1:00 pm Decide to remedy the Great Cookie Dough Tragedy of 2015. Check of the box under chef.
2:00 pm pack cute little boxes of homemade cookies for the pick up line all while trying to wind up a blog in a creative and clever way and texting with a friend about the meaning of life. Add supreme multitasker to your skill set.
2:21 pm Sh–. You need to be in the car five minutes ago and you need to pee. Scratch multitasker off.
2:29 pm Cr– on a cracker why aren’t you in the car yet. Sunglasses, even though it’s overcast you must have your sunglasses. SonOfA you’ve got a potty mouth in your head when you’re flustered.
2:30 pm Put car in drive, roll down the windows, select tunes from your youth and DRIVE.
3:00 pm arrive for the 25 minute wait to pick up first kid and assume the position on iPhone.
3:25 pm Think to yourself 836 times “Child do you ever shut up?” Relax, you’re only a bad mom if you say it out loud 836 times. Also, this is clearly a rhetorical question because he is your child through and through.
4:15 pm Arrive home. Check chickens (gag a little. Chickens are gross, y’all) and backpacks. Try to remember to clean out lunchboxes, actually wiping them down with a Clorox wipe this time.
5:30-7:59 pm Go through every emotion ever. Cook, sweep, eat, sweep, beg and pleade for children to shower, sneak in some documentary time with the Big one.
8:00 pm Ensure all bedtime rituals are kept in proper order. Hugs, kisses good nights and I love yous followed by the quilt parachute. You did it! You made it! Without giving them too much to tell their therapists in ten years.
8:05 pm Holler “What?!?” across the house and through shut bedroom doors. “You’re thirsty? Get up and get a drink, then! I love you too.”
8:10 pm Start last nights zombie show, hoping you stay awake just in case they reveal if Glen is still alive. Add survivalist to that growing list of accomplishments because you totally only screamed once and you saw that thing with Darryl coming from a mile away.
9:00 pm Pat yourself of the back for making it all the way through without falling asleep. Feeling accomplished start this weeks John Oliver episode. What?!? It’s 9:55 and you only just now fell asleep on the couch. You could be a current events commentator.
10:00 pm Get in a race down the hall with your husband to see who gets to pee first and therefore doesn’t have to turnoff the last light. He always wins. Sometimes it’s a hockey match to see, but he always wins.
10:04 pm Marvel that you were tired three minutes ago. Why aren’t you tired now? So, you lay there kind of proud of yourself and your little family that you all survived another day.