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My Fake Resume

Kristi S. Gold

PO Box 1234, Somewhere, TX, 78632
T: (512) 555-1212 F: (Who Even Faxes Any More?) E: autisminourhouse@gmail.com

Objective:

Seeking part to full time employment with a company that fulfills my need to earn money and do a job that is rewarding. Seeking starting salary of $45,000 to 100,000 with benefits and paid time off.   I am available two-ish days a week, providing no one comes down with strep or the flu. I will also need several days off a month for orthodontist and therapy appointments. I may also need to leave at a moments notice in the event that a child is kicked out of school. I will need all school holidays, early releases and summers off. I will need to arrive after 8 a.m. and leave at 2:30 p.m. to get in the pick up line at school. I have excellent telephone, typing and organizational skills. Does not do well with criticism (constructive or otherwise.) I am a social media expert and can set up Facebook, WordPress and twitter accounts for your business. Will likely blog on company time.

Experience:

Human Wrangler                                                                          2004-Present

Beginning October, 2004 I began wrangling tiny humans for a fulltime career. This involves juggling multiple tasks at once from the comfort of my own home and “yoga pants” and his provided me with the ability to talk on the phone, blog and yell at tiny people all at one time.

Other Work History:

Spotty at best.

Education:

College                                                                                           199?-????

I went and had A LOT of fun.

High School                                  Yeah You Just Want to Know How OLD I am

I graduated.

Skills:

Mad, amazing queso maker. Can drive, threaten children with turning around without batting an eye all while making up swear words. Excels at staying in pajamas all day. Sometimes feeds her children before ten am during the summer. Gives clean sheets once a quarter. Mops the same. Shaves semi-regularly. Can medicate a child using an eye dropper at 100ft. Can actively pretend to listen to a child drone on and on and on about MInecraft, dinosaurs or any other specialized interest. Can fold tiny, baby t-shirts like a boss while leaving them in the laundry basket for months on end. Irons annually. Shines in the area of filling on-line shopping carts at Pottery Barn, Louis Vuitton and other high-end stores while not ACTUALLY purchasing a thing. Has really good ideas and little to no follow through. Also is able to worry about everything either late at night or early in the morning, leading to the ability to solve all the worlds’ problems if only they would make her queen. Drinks approximately 1 ½ pots of coffee a day; coincidentally pees every ten minutes or so. Can bathe wet sea lions, change a rabid raccoon’s diaper and hold down a grumpy pre-toddler until he falls asleep whilst preparing three separate meals for consumption. Is sometimes clever, although not as often as she thinks.

***IF you want to see the pretty version of my resume, Click here: MyFakeResume***

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