My Fake Resume

Kristi S. Gold

PO Box 1234, Somewhere, TX, 78632
T: (512) 555-1212 F: (Who Even Faxes Any More?) E: autisminourhouse@gmail.com


Seeking part to full time employment with a company that fulfills my need to earn money and do a job that is rewarding. Seeking starting salary of $45,000 to 100,000 with benefits and paid time off.   I am available two-ish days a week, providing no one comes down with strep or the flu. I will also need several days off a month for orthodontist and therapy appointments. I may also need to leave at a moments notice in the event that a child is kicked out of school. I will need all school holidays, early releases and summers off. I will need to arrive after 8 a.m. and leave at 2:30 p.m. to get in the pick up line at school. I have excellent telephone, typing and organizational skills. Does not do well with criticism (constructive or otherwise.) I am a social media expert and can set up Facebook, WordPress and twitter accounts for your business. Will likely blog on company time.


Human Wrangler                                                                          2004-Present

Beginning October, 2004 I began wrangling tiny humans for a fulltime career. This involves juggling multiple tasks at once from the comfort of my own home and “yoga pants” and his provided me with the ability to talk on the phone, blog and yell at tiny people all at one time.

Other Work History:

Spotty at best.


College                                                                                           199?-????

I went and had A LOT of fun.

High School                                  Yeah You Just Want to Know How OLD I am

I graduated.


Mad, amazing queso maker. Can drive, threaten children with turning around without batting an eye all while making up swear words. Excels at staying in pajamas all day. Sometimes feeds her children before ten am during the summer. Gives clean sheets once a quarter. Mops the same. Shaves semi-regularly. Can medicate a child using an eye dropper at 100ft. Can actively pretend to listen to a child drone on and on and on about MInecraft, dinosaurs or any other specialized interest. Can fold tiny, baby t-shirts like a boss while leaving them in the laundry basket for months on end. Irons annually. Shines in the area of filling on-line shopping carts at Pottery Barn, Louis Vuitton and other high-end stores while not ACTUALLY purchasing a thing. Has really good ideas and little to no follow through. Also is able to worry about everything either late at night or early in the morning, leading to the ability to solve all the worlds’ problems if only they would make her queen. Drinks approximately 1 ½ pots of coffee a day; coincidentally pees every ten minutes or so. Can bathe wet sea lions, change a rabid raccoon’s diaper and hold down a grumpy pre-toddler until he falls asleep whilst preparing three separate meals for consumption. Is sometimes clever, although not as often as she thinks.

***IF you want to see the pretty version of my resume, Click here: MyFakeResume***



Changing My Ways (of Thinking)

I think I’ve told you. We take a mindfulness and yoga class for kids on the spectrum and their families on Thursday nights. It’s this really cool thing we are doing with one of my favorite people in this world. Part of this process is me seeing what is and isn’t working in our daily lives.

A few weeks ago, I had a few moments with my friend where we were able to talk and sort and work things out; what’s that old saying?  “Two heads are better than one.” I had a realization, an “A-ha!” moment if you will. I often say things like “Big can’t” or “Big won’t” or “Big can’t be expected to…” (fill in the blank with some area that’s a challenge for Big.”  Well, I say “No. More.” No more limiting Big because of things that are hard or make him uncomfortable or make parenting him more work. No. More.

One of my most common “Big Can’t” phrases was “Big can’t go without his iPod.” As if some sort of cruel twist of fate, we had to ground the WeeOne from all electronics for two weeks.  It didn’t really seem fair to let Big spend those precious mind numbing moments in front of youtube and tell WeeOne “no soup for you!” So, we limited iPod to 15 minutes when Big got home from school to decompress. You would be amazed at what happened.  My kids remembered they are kids.  The remembered how to play with toys, create with clay, paint, tell stories, be engaged. Oh, the engagement. At times, it would certainly be easier to say, go do your iPod and give me some peace and quiet.  But, I’m resisting the urge.

Another area I tend to give Big the easy way out is school.  “Big can’t be expected to…write on topics he doesn’t prefer, take notes, eat in the cafeteria and on and on and on.”  But the truth is, every time I limit him by saying he can’t or he can’t be expected to do something, I deny him the chance to grow and change.  He CAN write on topics he doesn’t like; he might not WANT to, he might not LIKE it, it might not be PLEASANT for anyone involved, but he certainly CAN. In the school world, I’m changing my ways (of thinking) from he can’t to “it’s a challenge for him to” because, it IS a challenge for him to do these things.

Years ago, we were in therapy for food aversions. Big didn’t eat. For days and days and days at a time. I remember thinking, there is absolutely no way he will ever eat what we eat at dinner. Through persistence, and years of trying and trying again, this summer we’ve reached a major milestone. Big (and now the WeeOne) will sit down, and eat what I put in front of him without a meltdown, tears (mine) or it taking hours to eat. It feels like a miracle. But it’s not. It was a slow, painstaking process of changing my mindset and his from can’t to can and more importantly WILL.

The other day, I got a figurative punch in the stomach. One of Big’s go to people isn’t going to be available next year at school. I was so upset, crying, knot in my stomach and gave myself a migraine from the worry. My first thought was “Big can’t transition to this new school without this person.  There’s no way. He’s already apprehensive and full of anxiety and fear, there’s no way he can do this.” It’s such an easy thing to fall back into those patterns of excuses. We want to shield our children from the hurt and pain of the world as much as possible, but that’s not real life. Real life is messy and hard and so, so worth it. As I was talking to my dad, like I always do when I’m worried, he said “One thing is for sure:  Big is a survivor.” It’s true, the things I’ve always excused away, may be challenges for big, but he will power through them.  And by powering through, with stumbles and falls, he will grow and learn and become a better human being for them.

Ultimately, I never want to teach my sons that it’s okay to not do something simply because it is hard.  The hard stuff is how we gain insight, experience, empathy, love. Big is going to have a life full of hard things, things that feel like there’s no way he can accomplish them.  I want to give him the gift of knowing that he can and WILL.