Confession

I have a confession for y’all. I feel guilty about my sons diagnosis. There. It’s out there. Let’s let that sink in a moment.

My son faces struggles everyday that I don’t know about. He manages really well to hold himself together most of the time. I’m in awe of the gains he’s made over the past few years. There was a time that the meltdowns were daily and could last the whole day. These days, the meltdowns have weakened in both intensity and duration. That statement feels like I’m bragging or boasting. You see, I have friends whose kids meltdowns haven’t weakened, they have gotten more intense. Big Brudder is hyper verbal. Always has been. Again. It feels like a brag. In fact, in his younger years it was somewhat a party trick. “Here Big Brudder, tell them everything you know about plants or dinosaurs or trains. Show them you can read this giant text book.” I am proud of how smart Big Brudder is. I’m equally proud of the Wee One’s intelligence. At the same time, I feel like something of a fraud with my Autsim Awareness bumper sticker, my Autism In Our House Facebook page and website.

It sometimes feels as if it’s an injustice to those who struggle in a more profound way. I’m in no way diminishing my sons struggles, or my own as his mother. It’s a hard walk, yet it is one I wouldn’t change. But my son cancommunicate. My son can be his own best advocate.

So, irony. Just hit me. Like a ton of bricks. As I was typing this out, I got a call from the boys writing teacher. He is refusing to work. Refusing to cooperate. Crying. Nearing meltdown. I can feelit. And I’m an hour and a half away. An hour and a half.. I feel helpless. He is the only one right now who can help himself. I am not in control of this situation. I’m not in control of the future either. Hell, I’m not in control of the next five minutes. Is that ALL parents common bond? Giving up the control? You let me know when you figure it out. Deal?

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