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torn…

you know that feeling of when you want to be somewhere, but you know you need to be somewhere else? but then, you don’t really give where you need to be your full attention?  that’s where i am.

i have this urge, this need, this pull to be with my grandparents RIGHT NOW! it’s not that i feel like i need to help.  they have everything under control.  it’s that i need to see my family, but i am needed here at home, but can’t really give that my all.  so, ultimately, i end up feeling like a failure.  i end up not being a patient mama.  my thoughts are elsewhere. my thoughts are if not now, when?

if not now, when?  isn’t that ultimately it with everything?  if i don’t do this now, when? when will i make time? when will i feel like it’s okay to do ______________? 

yesterday, i convinced myself i felt better about not going to see my family.  today, not so much. so, i suppose i need to redirect my energy into being the patient mama.