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Be the ONE.

autisminourhouse

Yesterday we took BigBrudder’s paperwork to register for seventh grade. In our town, that’s Junior High. Early next week we have a sit down with his new teachers and team. I asked Big if there was anything specific he wanted them to know; he just said to “Be sure they tell subs I’m allowed to have my clay.” For a kid that struggles with transitions, he’s really pumped about JH. I am not.

I decided that instead of my normal try-to-make-Big-seem-like-a-real-person-with-real-needs-letter-that-never-gets-read-or-taken-to-heart-or-whatever, I’m giving an “IEP at a Glance” with his accommodations bulleted out along with some helpful hints and our “Meltdown Protocol.”

I don’t know the answer to the question “How do I get people to UNDERSTAND that “high functioning” autistic kids (adults too but we’re talking school) NEED supports to be successful?  I really think they know it.  I really think they believe they understand. I really think they try to understand. But mostly, they don’t. Is it time? Is it too many kids in a classroom? Is it exhaustion? Is it that by assuming they know, they turn a blind eye to real, often simple solutions?

I hear too often “He’s in honors classes, I shouldn’t have to (fill in the blank of something someone thinks they shouldn’t have to do.)” Or,  “He’s twelve, he should be able to (fill in the blank of something someone thinks he should be able to do unassisted). Maybe. But change and self-reliance don’t happen over-night. A kid doesn’t simply become able to manage his whole schedule with no help because we want him to.

Thinking about posts I’ve seen online regarding schools not letting parents “bail kids out” when they’ve forgotten a lunch or left their homework at home, I think to myself, why do we hold 12 year olds to a higher standard than we do ourselves? If I forget my lunch, I have a car and can go pick something up. If I’ve forgotten a file I need at home, I can call my husband to email it; my boss doesn’t care how I get it, only that I have what I need.

I often use the example that my husband and I have a series of checks and balances for our bills. As I’ve told y’all on my Facebook page, hubs lives and dies by the spreadsheet. Excel is a God in his engineer brain. He has our life planned out to the nickel for the next ten years. He knows when every bill is due, when the last time we moved money, he is a projector. Yet, we ask each other questions. “Did you remember we got the medical bill from the (fill in the blank of seventy-eleven specialists our family sees)?” If he asks me to mail something for him, he often texts to make sure I remembered and vice versa. Because we are a team.  That doesn’t make either of us irresponsible. In fact, building yourself a support system is the opposite of irresponsible. Why would we not let children have a support system?

Can you tell I am an anxious hot mess? I am every year at this time. I feel hopeful about this year, mostly because Big is.

Every year my prayer is that there is ONE teacher that gets it. ONE teacher that gets and APPRECIATES him. ONE teacher that advocates for him. ONE teacher that stands up for him. One. We didn’t have that last year in the classroom; he had one on campus, for sure, but none in the classroom. One. That’s all it takes to make a difference. Teachers. Be the ONE for a kid.

teacher

Follow all the blue links for past letters to the teacher and other samples of what we’re giving out this year.

parenting, Uncategorized

New (School) Year, New Letter to the Teacher…

autisminourhouse

Friday, August 19, 2016

Dear Team,

I’m excited to get to know and work with you all this year.  I want to take this opportunity to fill you in a little bit about Big and our family.  I’m sure most of you already know Big, but there are lots of things an IEP just can’t tell you about him. First, he is a kind, loving, smart, creative and amazing boy who happens to have Autism, Anxiety and ADHD. He IS medicated; however, as we begin the new school year and undergo some changes at home, it may take him some time to find his groove at school. My husband HUBS and I expect for Big to be challenged and to behave at school.  Like my dad has to remind me: “Even good transitions are stressful.”

Often, one of the hardest things to determine is whether a behavior is “autism/anxiety/ADHD” or just a nearly twelve-year-old boy. When Big feels anxious, his behavior can deteriorate rapidly.  He has learned lots of coping mechanisms, some good, some not-so-good. Mrs. XXX and Big have worked for five years on social skills and knowing how to react in a given situation. Big knows the ways things should happen, but in the moment has difficulty putting his knowledge to action. Like many on the spectrum, anxiety can show itself as stimming (for Big, it can be a vocal stimm such as squawking or having to repeat the beginning of a phrase multiple times before being able to complete, or needing to repeat a phrase or question over and over). Other stimms Big exhibits are, finger flicking, pinching his forearms (not hard), and nose picking. That last one is one we’ve been working on forever…and may be the one I’m most easily frustrated by. Another way to tell when Big’s anxiety is peaking is when he becomes less flexible in his thinking. Many of you saw an example of this at meet the teacher when because we had sorted the supplies by class, Big couldn’t handle not delivering the materials as he planned. When he has “met his limit” (especially on group projects), he can become especially rigid. Big has come a long way in becoming his own advocate; he will often ask for time away from the class to get it together, or to draw or another soothing activity. He’s gotten really good at avoiding meltdowns and heading them off on his own. He does sometimes need the verbal cues “breathe” and “rational thoughts.” We do not force eye contact with Big. Usually, we ask for initial eye contact and then he’s free to look wherever he needs to.  Occasionally, we give the verbal cue “eyes” to remind him. I have to remind myself that he can either look at me or listen to me but rarely both.

As well as Autism, Anxiety and ADHD, Big has auditory processing disorder. This will lead to situations where he asks you a question after you’ve already given instructions. It’s hard, sometimes, to determine if this is an aspect of ADHD (not listening) or the APD. At home, I usually ask him to repeat back to me what I’ve already stated. Most of the time, he can, and then the information clicks. If he cannot either legitimately recall, or just needs to hear again, I will repeat.

Big’s two biggest challenges academically, in my opinion, are organization and handwriting. I know that most sixth graders can remember to turn in their papers, etc. I can promise that IF by the time Big gets home from school he remembers an assignment and it’s in his folder, we will make sure it is complete. If there is a missing assignment 9 out of 10 times, it is in his folder.  IF there is ever a time that he is missing assignments, I ask that before you send him to the homework table, you ask him directly (IE not the whole class…he might not remember because of the APD) and consider helping him look in his backpack or shoot me a text.  Something small such as homework table can ruin his whole week.

I am going to work exceptionally hard at giving Big the room to grow even more this year. In order to do this, I have to know that we are all a team. I don’t have to be told about every minor hiccup in his day, but if major things (such as a meltdown) happen, I ask that you let me know.  I’m a BIG believer in communication. If you ever have questions or concerns, I have my cell phone on me at all times. My number is xxx-xxx-xxxx and my email is austisminourhouse@gmail.com Hubs is also often available.  He may not answer immediately but his number is xxx-xxx-xxxx and his email is blahblahblah@gmail.com  You should know, that should we (parent/teacher) ever have a situation where we may not see eye to eye, Big will NOT know this. We strive to let him know that this is a working relationship we value.

WhenBig has a meltdown, it is important to know several things:

  • Don’t touch him unless it is for his own safety. (In general, Big does not like light touches. If you ever want to hug or touch him, firm is best.)
  • Don’t try to talk him out of a meltdown.
    • Instead, remind him to breathe.
    • Remind him that when he is calm he is smart.
  • PLEASE don’t let him meltdown in front of the whole class.
    • Offer a walk to get a drink.
    • Offer a soothing activity such as a piece of clay, drawing or just sitting for few minutes.

I promise, Big and you will learn so much from each other this year.  I am so excited to see how far he will come. The second page below contains his schedule and then a list of each of the people on our team this year along with their ISD email address.

Thanks,

Kristi

CLASS SCHEDULE

CLASS                         ROOM TEACHER                   TEACHER E-MAIL

  1. CLASS                     123       TEACHER                     TEACHEREMAIL@SCHOOL
  2. CLASS                     123        TEACHER                    TEACHEREMAIL@SCHOOL
  3. CLASS                     123       TEACHER                     TEACHEREMAIL@SCHOOL
  4.        …
  5. …
  6. …
  7. …             

OTHER IMPORTANT TEAM MEMBERS:                    EMAIL

On Campus                                                      

PRINCIPAL X                                                                  EMAILADDRESS@SCHOOLEMAILNAME

Off Campus              

NAME XXX                  LSSP                                        EMAILADDRESS@SCHOOLEMAIL.COM

(NOTE: I included every member of our team: every teacher, the principal, speech, OT, School Psych, etc.)

A  Big Fat PS to you, my lovely blog readers, I’m anxious about this transition. Like SUPER, DUPER anxious. But, you know what? It helps knowing you’re not alone. It helps knowing that you have friends:  real-life, on-line, imaginary and otherwise holding your hand or your hair as you feel the wave of nausea.  Love you all oodles. 

 

 

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My Heavy Heart

autisminourhouse

Well that was a “wonderful” nights sleep. I can’t even blame my kids, my dogs or the full moon. All I can say is that this world we live in was heavy on my heart. 
Have I told you that we’ve had to put a stop to big watching the news? We have. It consumes him. Every. Single. Story. Have I told you that beginning in high school I loved the news; I was in speech (I dreamed briefly of being a lawyer) and I genuinely found it interesting. Then, about the time I got pregnant with big, I decided it was taking a toll on me, the news. I hadn’t been able to shut my brain off at night in years, so I decided to quit watching the news. I realized that all these people. The good guys, the bad guys, the politicians, the really bad guys…they are someone’s children. Someone, somewhere loved them once, or still does. I quit reading the news. I was happier for it. Sometime over the last year, I’ve started reading more news again. I don’t know if it’s the veil of “privacy” on the Internet, but the things people say. About other human beings, y’all. I can’t even with that any more. People, some of whom I think of as decent human beings, have some of the most hate filled things to say with absolutely no regard for anyone else. If that’s decent people, you can imagine what the not so decent people say…
We are not talking about “political correctness” here. We’re talking about thinking about other people before you speak. It’s one of the first things we teach our toddlers as they begin to talk. We are not talking about political discourse here, either. I believe, honestly and truly, that political debate is needed. I believe we need people to stand up. To speak out. But do so rationally. My favorite thing I learned from Dr. Tony Attwood is the phrase, “When you are calm, you are smart.” I am talking about, however, asking people to stop and think. To practice some empathy. To UNDERSTAND that just because you don’t practice overt racism, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. And understand, that when mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters say #BlackLivesMatter, they are not saying at all that your lives don’t matter too. They are saying it’s really scary, even in 2016, to be black. Not that it’s scary because they are doing something “wrong” or “dangerous.” By very virtue of skin color can make simple things scary. 
Did I ever tell you about the time in college I was driving with my friend and some guys? We were in my Volvo on the way home from the movies, and we got pulled over. The officer asked me and my girlfriend to get out of the car. I was freaked out…the officer very politely asked if we were okay. I’d ridden in a car full of boys before and have since (albeit not in 20 years now). But in 2005, we happened to have three large, black boys in the car with us. Our friends. My girlfriend and I were livid. We couldn’t believe that someone could do that. After all, this wasn’t 1960s Texas. We were livid and wanted to file a complaint, write letters. Our friends said “Don’t.”. They weren’t surprised. 19 years on this earth and they weren’t surprised someone assumed that two white girls weren’t okay because they were with them. Their friends.
We live in a world where people claim to be color blind. But, is that really how we should be? Because if you cannot see the colors, you can not begin to appreciate the beauty of the differences, the richness the colors of our skin, the culture that often comes along with the pain of the past -distant and recent- and the beauty of thriving and growing and living. Of course, of course we are all human beings, but we have to celebrate one another’s differences. Not in spite of. Because of. 

So, here I am. A white, suddenly middle aged, woman writing about something that makes me so very uncomfortable. Race. I seek to acknowledge my own shortcomings, own them, learn from them, grow from them. And I do have them. Shortcomings. But I promise here and now, I am not going to let the news, the hateful comments, the Internet change what I know to be true. As I was doing a guided relaxation trying to calm my upset, racing mind last night what came to me was this:  God loves each and every one of us the same. All of us. Conservative. Liberal. Hate Spewers. Tree Huggers. Black. White. All the colors. He made all of us, in all of our shades, by His design. 

“…help me to be good and do the things I should. Help me to love others as You love me. Amen.” 

My favorite prayer at the preschool where I work.

This prayer is so simple. But isn’t that IT? Be good. Do the things you should. Love others. 

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Watching Him Sleep

autisminourhouse

Do you remember when you brought your babies home? And you were so in love, you would lay for hours next to them, their bassinet tucked as closely to your side of the bed as possible, and suddenly realize you weren’t sleeping even though you really should be. But you just couldn’t quit watching. Their little breaths so calming and soothing to your soul. And, it somehow felt like if you didn’t watch them during this magical time and you fell asleep, you’d wake up and none of it would be real. 

My boys are eleven and nine now. It’s pretty rare than anyone is sleeping with us unless they are sick. Or anxious. Or scared. And those times, while still precious to my mamas heart, end with the shoving back and forth across the bed and wondering how one so small can take up so much room and put off so much heat. A grownup always ends up on the couch and the child splayed across an entire king size bed. These moments are sweet and are fodder for parental bonding the next morning. “I know! How could his feet be in my kidneys while his legs were across your neck?”

But, now is the time of summer. The boys and I start to have sleep overs at PopPop and Nana’s house and the three of us climb into the queen size bed that still seems unfamiliar to them. It’s the time of summer, when I realize when they strip down to their boxers and athletic shorts how long they’ve gotten this year, how lean. Their tans from hours of playing outside and swimming are coming back. Their hair will soon be a half shade lighter from hours of swimming. They are already a half a year older.

They don’t need me for much these days. They can fix a rudimentary meal of cold cereal and chocolate milk, or a grilled cheese from the toaster. They play with each other, rely on each other more and more. Less on me for their every need. This is what we work toward as mamas. It’s silmultaneously exhilarating and excruciating. 

I don’t take photographs like I should. My husband tends to always have the camera, and I take selfies with the boys. I’m almost always tempted to delete them, but I don’t. Somedays, I sit down to work at the computer and am blindsided by the scrolling photo album of our life. Hubs and I being young, carefree and childless. Then, Baby One. Two years later Baby Two. Now? They are nine and a half and eleven and a half. They will be in fourth and sixth grades. It’s hitting me hard. That. Sixth Grade. My first born isn’t a baby anymore. His days of coming to my room are going to be fewer and fewer. 

So when they argued over who got to sleep next to me last night, I pretended to fuss at them and let Big win. My first born. He’s better to sleep next to, anyway. But I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t that his hand was pressed so firmly on mine, as if holding on. It wasn’t that his knee was creating a bruise, although it surely was. It was his breathing. His hair. His nose. His perfect face with its smattering of freckles across his nose. I don’t know if it was a streetlight or moonlight creating a soft glow over him. I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t close my eyes for fear that when I woke up, he would be grown. 

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Ten on Tuesday, or How I’m Avoiding Writing

autisminourhouse

It’s been ages since I’ve sat down and written anything. I don’t mean anything of substance; I mean any. Thing. I’m not quite sure what my problem is. Is it that I don’t have anything to say? Is it that I have writers block? Is it that I’m lazy. Nah, that can’t be it. Here are ten ways I’m avoiding writing this summer.

1.) Building Fences.

They say good fences make good neighbors. Right now, these puppies are terrible neighbors. So, with the help of my father-in-law, hubs and I are constructing a new yard for these ardoreable creatures of destruction.


2.) Cleaning Cabinets One. At. A. Time.

Someone once lied to me and said something about organization making you feel better. I don’t know about that, but by the end of summer, when I open a cabinet, I won’t have to pray that an avalanche doesn’t occur.

3.) Deep Cleaning A Bathroom Where Little Boys Pee.

I must be really avoiding the computer right now. Because, let me tell you, boys are gross. I’m not exactly sure, but that might be a bit of urine on the ceiling.

4.) Cleaning Out The Husbands’ Closet.

Some may call me a clothes horse when they look in my closet with my 65 cardigans, tops I never wear and shoes and purses older than some of my coworkers. They may be correct. Yesterday, the top shelf fell in hubs’ closet. So, I’m cleaning it out. Holy moly, this dude has shirts from 1999. How do I know this? I bought him these shirts in 1999. He hadnt worn “dress shoes” since approximately that time as well, so why does he have four pair?!? See ya later Y2k.

5.) “Reading” My New Justin Cronin Novel. 

Mostly, I’m putting off really starting this novel because I’m not sure I’m ready for this trilogy to end. I read a chapter in between other distracting chores. It does look good sitting on my coffee table, though.

6.) Making Lists Of “Fun” Projects To Keep My Kids Off Electronics.

Otherwise known as wasting a crapton of time on Pinterest pinning things I will never-ever do in places I will never-ever go. This also includes pinning meals I will never EVER make. 

7.) Sorting Play Room Toys in to Piles.

Take to preschool. Donate. Take to camp. Shove into buckets and pretend it’s organized.

8.) Actively Avoiding All Internet Articles, Especially the Comments Section.

For the love of all things holy. When did it become a sport to shame parents, particularly mothers? People are mean, y’all. And then to celebrate when a “celebrity” has a fall from his or her pedestal? Even even said fall seems like a mental breakdown of epic proportions. I just can’t.

9.) Start A Non-Profit When I Know NOTHING About Buisness to Begin With.

This one is a biggie. It’s making avoiding writing about anything all that much easier because when I sit down to write, I can think of about 4,326 things to google and make lists to ask my partner about.

Drum roll, please…

10.) Enroll in On-Line College Courses.

Because having children, starting a non-profit and you know avoiding writing aren’t enough, I’ve decided to go back to school! I’m taking a statistics class starting next week; surely that will give me plenty of material to write on.

How are you avoiding doing what you need to do?